Monday, April 11, 2005

Book Review

I've just read an excellent book - Couplehood, by Paul Reiser. I can't recommend this book enough if you are interested in couples or in books.


Sunday, April 10, 2005

Brand New Idea

Here's a question: Why can't they make a newspaper that's just one long piece of paper? That way you don't have to turn the pages because it's all just one page! Then when you're done with it you can fashion it into some sort of gigantic paper hat, and Diana will take one look at you and forget all about Kevin because does he have a gigantic paper hat? Fuck no.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Baseball!

Since baseball is starting up again, I thought I'd share with you some of the best baseball jokes I've come up with over the years.

Q: Why did the house get up and start running?
A: Because the house hit a home run (and that's why the house is running)!

Q: Where do Slinky's go to warm up?
A: Spring training (because a Slinky is like a spring)!

Q: What did the umpire say to the laundry detergent?
A: Three strikes and you're Shout! (Shout is a kind of laundry detergent)

Q: Why did Dracula make a good bat (baseball bat)?
A: Because he could turn into a bat (the animal)!

Q: How was Michael Jordan at baseball?
A: Terri-Bull ("Bull" because he used to play for the Chicago Bulls in basketball and he took them to 6 championships)!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Actual Conversation I Had Today at McDonalds

Can you believe this guy was actually saying these things to me?

ME: I'd like a hamburger and a Coke.
MCDONALD'S GUY: Do you want fries with that?
ME: Pies?
MCDONALD'S GUY: No, I said fries.
ME: Oh.
MCDONALD'S GUY: Why? Would you want a pie?
ME: Why would I want a pie? That's a silly question. Pies are delicious!
MCDONALD'S GUY: So one pie?
ME: Whoa. Slow down there, Clint Eastwood. I didn't say I wanted a pie.
MCDONALD'S GUY: Sorry. I thought you did.
ME: Ok. I guess I need to explain this to you again. I said I "like" pie. I didn't say I "want" a pie. If I were a diabetic, I'm sure I would "like" insulin, but I wouldn't "want" insulin, at least not all the time. If I were a bear trainer, I wouldn't "want" to be mauled, but I might "like" to be mauled, especially if the mauling wasn't that painful or disfiguring, because it might give me the focus I need to become the bear trainer that my father said I'd never be, because I was too lazy and one of my legs was three inches shorter than the other one so I had to wear a corrective boot, and all of the kids at bear training school would make fun of me as I stared out the window onto the playground and dreamed that I was the King of Prussia. They'd call me "limpy", even though my limp was almost imperceptible while I was wearing the boot, and when we'd go in to train the bears, the kids would try to agitate them so that they would claw me. Well, who's clawing who now? I'm the best bear trainer in the world and more than half of those kids are dead by intelligent bears that I have commanded to seek out and kill.
MCDONALD'S GUY: Ok. No pie.
ME: Actually, one pie, please. If you don't mind.