Thursday, January 05, 2006

Oh... Yeah

The first time I ever heard Britney Spears, I was like "Britney Spears what?"

Then I found out what she spears - fish!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Space Jokes

Here are some hot space jokes I came up with:

Q: Why does Saturn have rings?
A: Because Saturn is a man and he is about to be married to his wife and so he has a a wedding ring! (This joke is more effective if you think of Saturn as having one big ring instead of a number of rings.)

PERSON 1: Hey, did you hear they're changing the name of the space shuttle?
PERSON 2: Yes. I heard they're just calling it the shuttle. But why?
PERSON 1: Because there's almost no space left in it!
PERSON 2: Oh, you mean because it is filled with many pieces of equipment and different experiments and so there is not much space for astronauts to get around?
PERSON 1: Exactly!

Q: If you were to play checkers with Mars, which color would it pick?
A: Red, because Mars is red! (Obviously the planet Mars would not play checkers because it is way too big and also not a person, but this joke imagines that the planet IS a person, even though it's not.)

Q: A spaceship blows up in space. Where do they bury the survivers?
A: Trick question! You can't bury the survivors, because they're currently drifting in space and there is no way to rescue them. They will soon run out of oxygen and die.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy 4th of July

Here is a quote that has always meant a lot to me:

"In the course of human history, freedom is something that cannot be taken from liberty, for both liberty, freedom, and freedom's cousin, justice and liberty, are the glue which holds the foundation - the foundation in this case being justice, freedom, and a commitment to freedom and liberty, combined with the will to succeed in matters of justice and freedom - together with the force of a million liberties enjusticed in a liberated freedom from judgement of justice and liberty. Freedom."

--George Washington

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Oh Geez

This morning I realized that at any point, someone could misinterpret my name and think that I'm "Mr. Tea" and not Mr. T! I can't believe it took me so long to notice this. Thank God so far nobody has made that mistake, but just in case I've decided to start carrying around a selection of teas. Now if someone approaches me, I can have this exchange:

ME: Do you mean Mr. T like the letter or Mr. Tea like the drink?
PERSON: The drink!
ME: Oh. Yes, that's me, Mr. Tea. Would you care for some of my various teas?
[Here is where I would go on to describe the different flavors and medicinal powers of the teas I had with me. And guess what? Nobody would be the wiser!]

Sunday, May 22, 2005

It's Been a While

Sorry for the delay! A few weeks ago my computer broke and I tried to fix it by (stupid me!) throwing it at things. And that didn't work, so next I tried throwing things at it. Then that didn't work. So then I tried throwing things at things, and I got so caught up in the fun of that, I forgot that my computer was broken and that I was standing in a bunch of broken glass. Because all of this happened... at the glass factory!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Funny Links #4

I think this one takes the cake:

Whatever happened to the Old York Times!?!?!

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I Figured Out How to Improve Social Security

The answer was staring us in the face the whole time! Who pays into Social Security? People! And who receives benefits from Social Security? People! But has anybody brought up animals and trees? No! Which is why, when you factor in how many animals and trees there are, then you start to get a better picture. A comparison of equations might be helpful in making this more clear (if you don't like technical stuff, you should probably stop reading now):

Original Equation: P(people) + M(money) + S(social security) = S(social security)

New Equation: P(people) + M(money) + S(social security) + T(trees/large plants) + A(animals) + ST(small trees) + F(fish/creatures of the sea) = S(social security)

And when you look at it like that, you can see how we can improve Social Security!